Coach: So, did you validate anyone this week?
Guy: What do you mean?
Coach: I mean: Did you say anything kind to anyone this week? Compliment anyone?
Guy: Well, yes. Of course my kids. I told them that they’re great kids.
Coach: That’s great, man! Anyone else?
Guy: My wife. She made a great meal for us after working all day. I made sure to thank her for that.
Coach: Terrific. Anyone else?
Guy: No, not really.
Coach: So over the past seven days the only kind things you said to anyone in your life were complementing your kids and thanking your wife for cooking?
Guy: I guess. Well now I feel kind of bad.
Coach: I’m not here to guilt trip you, man–that’s not what this is. But it does say something about the man I’m talking to that he can go a full week without saying anything kind to 95% of the people he interacts with.
Guy: It says that I’m an asshole.
Coach: No. It doesn’t say you’re an asshole. And it’s amusing to me that that’s where your head went. That said, it may be the case that some of those people in your life–colleagues, acquaintances–might perceive you as an asshole based on your interactions with them. And just understanding that may encourage you to make some changes in your life.
But I’d be willing to bet that you spend plenty of time thinking nice thoughts about those people you interact with. You just don’t say those things aloud.
Guy: Yes. All the time.
Coach: Do you think they’d like to hear those things?
Guy: Probably.
Coach: Surprise! People like to hear nice things about themselves! A question for you, then: What makes you keep those kind thoughts to yourself?
You can answer that question another time. For now, let me ask you something else: Is there anyone in your life whom you have a difficult time validating?
Guy: Definitely my manager at work.
Coach: Perfect. What about him is hard to validate?
Guy: I mean… I just can’t imagine saying something nice to the guy. I don’t really know why. I just couldn’t.
Coach: Don’t worry man. I get it. I know the feeling. I know your manager. I mean–not literally. But I know guys like him. Hell, I’ve been a guy like him.
Guy: That’s hard to imagine.
Coach: Not hard for me, believe me. Anyway, you know how in video games–RPGs–you start out as a level one hero, and the first monsters that you fight are level two boars or whatever? And when you hit them twice with your club they fall over and die and drop some meat or like… a pair of leather pants?
Guy: Yeah. I know the loot system. But, respectfully, what the f*** are you talking about?
Coach: Bear with me. I’m going somewhere. So as you progress in the game, you fight harder monsters. A level 25 skeleton will drop a magic sword. And eventually you get to level 99 and you have to fight the Uberdemon or a black dragon–the final boss. And when you kill the final boss, you get a bunch of experience and the GigaSword and you win the game.
Guy: Okay…
Coach: Okay. So this dynamic exists in your life. Your kids are level two boars. Your wife, a level 17 phantom. Your siblings are level 20 skeletons. Your mother in law, a level 80 hellhound. Your manager? Well, he’s the final boss.
And your job is to validate him. And he will drop the best loot when you do. Because here’s the thing: The reason he is hard to validate has more to do with you than it does with him.
Guy: What?
Coach: Do you think the Buddha would have a hard time telling your boss that he’s a great guy and a pleasure to be around? Of course not. Now–he might opt to leave your workplace and never come back. But he would have no trouble at all validating your boss.
Guy: I buy that.
Coach: Now, your manager. What are some of the traits he possesses that make him difficult to love?
Guy: The pride. The hypocrisy. The negligence. Do you want me to go on?
Coach: That’s plenty. Now, let me ask you: Do you possess any of those traits?
Guy: Damn it.
Coach: I promise you that every single fear and insecurity we have discussed in this environment–and I really mean every single one–your manager possesses it in spades. Possibly even more acutely than you do. And he behaves accordingly.
And herein lies the opportunity. Because when you finally are able to validate your manager, you might change the trajectory of his life. You might save the company you’re working for. And in doing so, you might also save yourself.
Guy: It’s going to be hard.
Coach: Indeed, and it’s dangerous to go alone, take this.
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